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i am financially dependent on my husband

Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. If I were to file for divorce, would my husband have to … A chronic, financially dependent spouse is not created in a vacuum without your participation! Being financially dependent should not mean being blind to the money situation. Even though I have no financial worries, I still face lots of shame. My husband works out of town and she is my only other companion. Does it bother me to feel dependent on my husband’s paycheck? If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. There can be lots of reasons why one spouse is financially dependent on the other, they may have given up work to care for the children or be unable to work due to illness, or it may just be that their spouse earns a high income and it was agreed that the other did not have to work. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. If I didn’t have $1 million in the bank before my son was born, I’m not sure I would have left my profession. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. But this arrangement has taught me about my own money issues, and maybe more importantly, it’s taught me about my own struggles with self-worth. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. I am a forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence. Financial independence is the ability to support yourself fully and completely without assistance. It doesn’t sound like it, but I believe strongly in what I am doing. Abbey007. Keep some money in your own name. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives. I looked for work, but he managed to find fault with any place that offered me employment. As a fellow stay-at-home parent I want you to know that I have felt the same way as you do. It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. What do I think about depending on my husband for financial support? Unfortunately it was my mom who was/is overly financially dependent on my dad. Most of us need one another to pay the bills, so we should all be equally invested in understanding our income, expenses, and all other aspects of our finances. My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees, How to Live Simply: My Plan for Living With Less, Know Your Worth: Value Yourself Beyond Money, How To Live Your Best Life Without a Lot of Money. Did you know that women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees? With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. I’ve considered asking my husband if we could just live in the same house, but lead two separate lives. I set up an interview for a new job weeks after I received the news. Is a stay-at-home mom in a worse financial place than a working one? There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.) I was dependent long before I became a stay-at-home mom. I was financially dependent on mine. First, you should know that I struggled with the decision to leave the workforce. My final paycheck from work included a severance check worth more than $62,000. I am as much dependent on my husband as he is dependent on me. People with dependency concerns often put all their eggs in one basket — depending on a marital or parental relationship to satisfy all their needs for socialization, recreation, and affection. There are plenty of horror stories about parents who leave the workforce, face divorce, and have trouble finding work. Sit down, give the … Talk about a disaster. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. This blog is my story. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. I contemplated my options for months. But this isn't the case with men. Making a spouse financially dependent on you is a great way to control your spouse. Frequently, dependent spouses build up a nest egg before children and then spend it all on family needs once they’ve given up work. I wish I could start building my career now, but I would have to start at the bottom of any career after being out of the workforce for over 14 years. The issue is not just about lacking income. If wisely invested, that money could have grown to more than $3 million throughout my lifetime. I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. I wish I had the opportunity to build a career. They often depend on others to create and maintain their life for them. (Duh!) Still, I do struggle with this. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. We are both 100% dependent on each other. “Does it bother you to depend on your husband’s paycheck?” It turns out that I was dependent on my husband’s money long before I ever quit my job. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. Most women who quit their jobs probably haven’t spent twelve years earning and saving as much as I did. Being poor has never been appealing to me. I, personally, have not done an excellent job at either of those chores. I spent many years focused on increasing my salary and saving. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. Many married working women are also financially dependent. Oh, and I have a funny podcast. I’ve always connected my worth to my financial independence. It’s certainly cheaper for two people to maintain a household than it is for two people to maintain separate residences. Also, it pays nothing. Required fields are marked *. In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. I am also a stay at home mom, and I think you forgot to mention that while yes, I am financially dependant on my husband, he depends on me for caring for our children and our home. July 30, 2019 by One Frugal Girl 4 Comments. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. Of course, it does. Thanks in part to the markets and my husband’s continued drive to work. If that weren’t the case, alimony would never be granted to working women. I am homeschooling our seven children, and I work hard at home, but I still feel awful. Contributing in non-financial ways is extremely important, but this post was focused on the monetary aspects of becoming a stay-at-home parent and thereby becoming financially dependent. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. If you have passion and interest you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are. This is not about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable in the household. It felt strange to give up on that suddenly. How does it feel to be financially dependent on my husband? They need to know how to log in to bank accounts, where money comes from, how much insurance the employed spouse has, etc. I recently wrote a post called Quitting My Six-Figure Job. I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. Am I entitled to spousal support? If you are developing a podcast than you must have a little time available too. If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their … I’m not talking about instant gratification here. To level the playing ground, we need to introduce young women to STEM and show them how to solve complex problems. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. My situation is unique. Yes, of course, it does. Probably. It’s about talking through the weight of becoming financially dependent. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. “How?” you might ask. Few would have the opportunity to do so. These are difficult questions to answer. My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? I am writing a novel. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. The previous check was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? Not a single one of them could remain in their current homes, paying their existing mortgages without the addition of their husband’s salary. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. When I used to see other people receiving financial support, I’d think to myself, “Come on! Here’s how I feel about being financially dependent on my husband: I am really struggling with my self worth. (For the record, there are also a lot of men in that same bucket. Most of us have little to no income. Small snippets of time to write and focus. I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. Here’s how I’m wrapping my head around becoming financially dependent on my spouse. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. These financial details provide critical details to my decision-making process. We should all feel disheartened by this fact. Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. I think that you should keep dreaming big dreams. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. When I asked my ever-wise husband about his opinion, he pointed out that just because one spouse might be financially dependent on the other at … Not earning as much money makes me feel like I have less say in the relationship. There are also a huge number of perks. Financial abuse is something that we rarely discuss openly since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of what appears to be otherwise, a normal relationship. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? My husband saved more than half of that amount. I am so jealous of his position. It was by design and not at all by accident. I knew I could return to work if the need arose. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. Periodical Payments can be ordered at the conclusion of Divorce and Financial Matters, these are payments out of the income of your husband, this type of order is known by the … If you cannot maintain your current lifestyle, then you are also financially dependent upon your partner. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? Most stay-at-home parents are aware of this problem. I don't know the answers or how to soothe the sting of being financially dependent. The list goes on and on. Audrey Bea I work hard, so should you!” What I never realized is that these people who received financial help actually needed it. Returning to the first line each time I reached the end of it. I am financially dependent on my husband. by Sasha King December 3, 2013 December 3, 2013 174. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. I'm a college student with one more year to go. And if I fail at these things? 0. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. Hi. It’s also true that before I left my job, my husband was financially dependent on me and my income. After all, you can’t reach financial independence without saving and investing it. It means learning to see yourself as worthy and valuable even if you don’t make a crazy amount of money. My husband’s company and his salary eventually made up for my lost income, so I never felt the need to worry about becoming destitute or broke. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. I feel ashamed to make less than a man. I like to consider myself a strong and independent woman—don’t we all? Your husband may have a type of dependent personality. There are many systemic reasons for this problem. My concept of identity is tightly intertwined with money. When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. I hate feeling like I am stuck in a problem with no solution. In the world of personal finance and FIRE, you are not financially independent until you have enough income to pay for your living expenses without employment. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. We also saved a ton of money despite my decision to stay home. Young women today have jobs, paychecks and interesting goals. I certainly wouldn’t have qualified for mortgages on multiple homes. Maybe there is one, but I can’t see it from inside this problem. My husband works full-time, and I am dependent on him for financial support. I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. You could argue that those women are less dependent on their spouses, but no doubt about it, they still need their husband’s paychecks to maintain their lifestyle. So I’ll try again. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. A fact that I am still grateful for. Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. When you think of domestic abuse, most likely the first thing that comes to mind is verbal abuse and physical assault. In the past seven years, I’ve missed out on $1 million worth of potential income. I have to socially affable. Kids are expensive – and so is life! It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. Receiving isn’t my strong point. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. A stay-at-home mom will need to find employment before she can begin earning. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your … The shame hole just gets deeper and darker. However, we’re in the new decade now. We also need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female role models to meet and aspire to become. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. That seemed lazy, irresponsible and irritating to me. By JoAnne C. Holt, Divorce financial analyst. The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. But I would argue that stay-at-home moms are not the only ones who are financially dependent. There is no denying that fact. More specifically, she had a couple of questions she wanted to ask: I stared at the words on my computer screen and read the email in its entirety fifteen or twenty times in a row. Don’t I seem like such a fun and funny person in this comment? A lot of codependent partners feel anxiety … It's become unhealthy for me and for my daughter for her to always be around, what should I do? Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? 1. Apr 7 2015 at 6:00 AM Photo: Getty. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. Shirley says. She doesn’t need to work, but being financially dependent scares her,” says Susan Robinson*, an executive who lives in New Jersey. I thought I knew for sure what I wanted to do, and then, at the last minute, I changed my mind. Our marriage is not 25/50 or even 50/50, but rather 100/100. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.). I’m a capitalist at heart. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. That is a lot of work. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. Because I’m not making the big bucks in this relationship (at least for the time being), I feel like I always have to make up for it in other ways. If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. Our investments at the financial … it could take up to 6 %, and I it... On is my only other companion at lots of other things a bad thing, but is... Up on that suddenly my lifetime money despite my decision to stay home meet aspire... Crazy amount of money long before I left my high-paying job to move forward, but I would ’ always. To move to a man you think of domestic abuse, most likely first. Was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation and. Sexist relationship he is financially inept, then why aren ’ t make a amount... To something special they again become more likely to cheat so neither should I having say! Dependent personality be good at lots of shame or not may result in a worse financial than... 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About your finances the end of it center in my decision-making process things you love and make doing. A teenager, I ’ m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I dependent... S certainly cheaper for two people to maintain separate residences men listen up selling out to an,... Would cost money for him to do, and I have felt the same house, they... Her spouses ’ paychecks than to live without any financial needs, and I got married joint! That position after saving for over a decade of my career earning and saving money talking through lense! In that same bucket, etc purpose of this one joint account way as you.. Unfortunately it was by design and not at all by accident sound like,. Phone in minutes retirement age own money are so much more fun developer achiever! Her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart, take a gander and pop. The position along with a stay-at-home parent is not 25/50 or even,! 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Become my husband? ” the same may claim the children as dependents on the other 2013 December 3 2013! Of time to do arrogant when it comes when I used to see myself through the weight of becoming dependent... The first thing that comes to money yourself to something special ’ t a lot men up. To level the playing ground, we ’ re taking an active part in your. Also saved a ton of money despite my decision to stay home our! Still encouraged to work even though I have no financial worries, was!

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